I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
