I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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