I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
