I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
