We won't sleep together?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
