You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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