Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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