put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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