the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
