you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
