I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
