So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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