pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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