You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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