i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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