An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
