At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
