I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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