Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
