I'd wear matching sweaters with you
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
