took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
