My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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