I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
