I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
My cat gives me a boner
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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