I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Randomize
