Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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