Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
