I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
