So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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