i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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