Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
