The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
