Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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