I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
