you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
