Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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