Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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