in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
