Umm I'm too high to move.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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