If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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