The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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