If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
