There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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