I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
