WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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