I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
