we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
