I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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