dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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