We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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