And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
