my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize